Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? [New York] is all sex and violence. 16. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. In a bag. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? How you livin?, 68. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . It makes both states smarter! I think all you need is a face. 45. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? 4. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? 22. 38. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. I live in New York. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. 23. Manhattan was jammed . In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. All rights reserved. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. . In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. Because thats where the mini apple is! Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. . And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. 121. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. No, shes too fat and disgusting. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Whats the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams? Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! 2022 in Review. 105. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Thats sick! Dana Gould. That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. ', 45. Alongside hilarious jokes and . (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. Always relish the good times in New York. 154. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. If this is not your stop, stay on. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? 59. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Alabama! Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? Youre not a penguin. 112. 4. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. 55. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! It does things to a person. 106. Two Towers. 166. It is riveting! Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. 5. 109. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Head to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details. Privacy Policy and What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? Think New Yorkers dont get along? 20. And this guy approached me. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. New York Sucks., 111. 39. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. Now, he wasnt hurt. Its filled with funny New York jokes that are sure to make you smile. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Where do fat cows go on vacation? I hope you share my sense of humor. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. 122. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. You would never do that in another situation. Tire-less. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. . Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. 64. It would be like, You seen this shit? When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. Please add a link to this article. Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now theyre trying to give you the gist. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! I had like bruises everywhere. What is a NYC nanosecond? Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. Terms of Service apply. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. 72. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? I love this city; its a great city. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? He hates New York., 91. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! 14. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. 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